Teresa Heinz, I love you

Teresa Heinz, I love you
By Rob Rogers, 8/21/2003

As a political cartoonist, one of the cardinal rules I'm supposed to follow is: Never schmooze with the people you draw. It makes sense.

Like the professional kidnapper who avoids connecting with his victims because he knows he may have to waste them later, I don't want to risk liking the people I sketch. It's a lot harder to maintain the focus needed destroy someone's political career if you spent last weekend on the family yacht sipping bubbly and
discussing the latest Pedro Almodovar film.

This brings me to my most recent flagrant violation of the Cartoonist's Prime Directive: Teresa.

I refer to her as Teresa because calling her Ms. Teresa Heinz, Teresa Heinz-Kerry or Mrs. Heinz just seems too impersonal.

Living in Pittsburgh, I was certainly familiar with the famous Heinz name she inherited from her late first husband, Senator John Heinz. There's Heinz ketchup, Heinz Field, The Senator John Heinz Regional History Center, The Heinz Endowments . . . you get the idea. Before this past June, what I knew about Teresa herself was what I read in the press: She is wealthy; she's a smart philanthropist; she has passionate views and isn't afraid to own them; and some Democrats are worried she might bring a negative "Hillary factor" to Kerry's campaign. But I really didn't know Teresa.

Until two months ago, when I asked her to speak at the annual convention of the Association of American Editorial Cartoonists' convention in Pittsburgh. Imagine being invited to address 100 cartoonists, pens poised to draw your caricature as you are about to talk. Most sane people do not respond to our speaking invitations with an emphatic "yes."

She said yes. I was beginning to like her.

I made the mistake of mentioning to Teresa that one of the VIPs who declined our invitation to speak was Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. She began her speech to the cartoonists by concocting a Rummy refusal letter.

"Dear Rob," she said. "We know what we know, which is that I would like to be there. But we know what we don't know, which is whether more pressing matters might arise. And we don't know what we don't know, which is whether I might leave you in the lurch. So given what we know and don't know, the answer is no. Sincerely, Rummy. P.S. Have you thought of inviting Teresa Heinz?"

She's self-deprecating and funny. I was liking her even more.

In my invitation letter, I joked that speaking to us would allow her to coach cartoonists on the proper way to draw her husband, Democratic presidential candidate Senator John Kerry. Teresa loved the idea and asked me to help.

"Here is a list of the top five things to remember when drawing my husband, John Kerry: Number one, when you think of our next Democratic president of the United States, remember, he does not have blond hair."

A cartoon of Hillary Clinton was then projected on a large screen.

She went on to explain that her husband should not be depicted as a groundhog, a basset hound, or coming out of a Heinz ketchup bottle, each time pointing to a cartoon example of what not to do. She encouraged us instead to remember Kerry's "dignified stature, his noble chin, his focused gaze, and his compassionate smile." In other words, "draw him like this":

An adoring, Mt. Rushmore-like sketch of John F. Kennedy appeared on the screen.

She had them eating out of her hand. I was falling in love.

The rest of her speech was amazing (although I'm surprised I remember any of it since I was daydreaming of Teresa and I sipping lattes in a Paris cafe reminiscing about our recent work reducing greenhouse gas emissions).

Teresa spoke of growing up in dictatorial Mozambique where there were no political cartoonists and no one had the right to vote. She drew a parallel between that existence and the changes that have taken place in this country since 9/11.

"Citizens are urged not to ask questions, not to rock the boat, and instead to equate good citizenship with an acquiescent and trusting populace."

And then came Cupid's final dart. She praised editorial cartooning as a "noble" profession "piercing the veil of smug self-certainty and righteous self-importance that often creep into public life. You can make us laugh, squirm, get angry. You can make us question, and you can make us think.

"Yes, use it wisely -- and ideally don't use it on my husband or me! -- but above all, use it. I know there is pressure on you as cartoonists just to go for the joke, just to be funny and not to offend.

"I have seen the alternative to a free press. Nothing should concern us more than when journalists feel they cannot express their doubts and speak their minds."

I don't think I will ever love another.

Will all this have a negative impact on my cartooning? Of course. John Kerry is no longer just another presidential candidate; he is the one standing between me and true happiness.

Sorry, Senator. Love makes cartoonists do crazy things. I don't care where you stand on prescription drugs for seniors or the war with Iraq. Either way, I'm drawing you as a toad.

Rob Rogers is an editorial cartoonist for the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.